if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Reporter: *ports again*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!