You had me at “define legal”.
You Might Also Like
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!