The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Poetry is my passion
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s