casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Stop.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .