The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.