if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.