WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
the Monday after daylight savings
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired