I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
So we got a goldfish…
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,