Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”