A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Today’s Times
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK