GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My boss called in sick of me
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
How dramatic are you?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.