“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
🍞🦆
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks