if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs