Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.