The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*brings nachos to your exorcism*