Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
new shirt idea
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic