THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.