this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.