Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
You Might Also Like
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.