Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.