A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out