My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Life hack
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.