One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You Might Also Like
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST