“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“A little help here, Danny?”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.