*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
We avoided this particular disaster
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
This rocks
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away