A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
guilty
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I have never related to anyone more.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?