I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.