Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
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There are usually two types of merchants.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.