[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.