Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.