I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I’m not stressed
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself