three things we don’t talk about
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe