Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The asteroid..
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted