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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here