Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Yes my dude
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.