Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula