Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Geez man, take it easy.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked