waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
What flavor cupcake are these
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.