Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You Might Also Like
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way