There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
You Might Also Like
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park