“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
motivation
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?