I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
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My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
This is amazing.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Have a lovely day 😊
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.