87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Day 2 of my diet
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
stand with me against insufficient seating
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.