I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.