Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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Spider-cat: No One Home
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
waiting for halloween be like:
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
These are my roll models.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck