Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I only treason on days ending in y
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Always…
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*