I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
put ‘er there pardner!
Jesus Christ lmao
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My biological clock is wheezing.