my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
This is a sub tweet
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.