Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts