ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!